My week this week wasn't that good. Not fantastic at all. I've had thoughts.... many thoughts. From thoughts about school, work to thoughts about my own well-being, my life, my love life. Not that I have a boyfriend even. 

Beginning of this week, I was already feeling damned because I have a lot of catching up to do what with the assignment that I have to do for school which is hard. I was just bothered about school coz I just want to get a good degree and get the SQP cert. I was bothered that I have to work hard to get 60 and above for all my modules this year and next year so as not to cause inconvenience to myself to get the SQP. I just want to do well but my drive for money seems to be stronger than school that I feel so stressed over which to chase after. And when I didn't complete and didn't hand in my assignment, I feel like the worst loser ever. And when I half complete and only roughly understand my 2 other modules, it adds on to the terrible feeling. I feel like I didn't work as hard as I did last year and that disappoints me so much, I am my own failure. 

And there are thoughts about my life, my future life. I've been dying to meet someone, I've been dying to learn the reason behind me and his considerably "frequent" bumps into each other. And then it leads me to thinking how I'm gonna lead my family in the future, how my family life is going to be. Thoughts of love are always intriguing but none seems to be interested in pursuing me. And then maybe, I dream too much. 

Come to the later part of the week, there's some levels of negativity that I have to handle. Both from others and myself. Maybe sometimes one can't stay in a certain environment especially in that line for too long. I become demotivated and demoralised. My mood died. I died. And today i really just died. 

And then there's this thing about palm reading. I haven't researched about it yet but I've heard of these things about the lines on your palms being jointed and disjointed. Jointed being happily married with your spouse and disjointed being the opposite. The best or frankly, the worst part? Both of the lines on both of my hands are disjointed. I've had some plans and dreams, and judging through them again, I'm quite a control freak. And I don't like it all and it occupied me secretively the whole day. I have some personalities I hate about myself. I hate that sometimes I can't handle people's cemuhan or scolding me. People might think I'm weak and I hate that. I'm not weak, I've been hurt a gazillion times by others and everytime I cried it out or I keep it all in and then I cried terribly at the end, only thing is that I'm in self-denial. I hate the thoughts of separation or divorce. I don't wanna be like my parents. It hurts for the kids. We don't know what we could become with the strength and presence of both of our parents while we're growing up. But then again, we could have turned out worse, I could have turned out worse. Whoever the hell create this palm readings are really causing a fluctuation in my emotions. 

Hams