Archives gone and I too, will be gone from here after this post.
I've moved to a new blog: hermaimah.blogspot.sg
See you there!

Hams

Hey. I've been leaving this blog for quite a while but here's a short post - to clarify myself.

I never believed in that palm reading. I did some research after blogging it out and i shouldn't be believing in it. I should put more of my faith in Allah and i know no matter how much i always deviate from Him, He's always there when i'm down and when i really really need/want something. He has been there all the while. It's only that we, humans when we have problems we tend to really be bogged down by it and question Him why must He give us this problem.

I've had some big problems in the past couple of months. I got really bothered by something that it really occupied the whole entire brain of mine and the only time i could release it was when i hang out with my colleagues. I couldn't even study for goodness sake and exams is just around the corner. Heck, the first paper is on Tuesday. I had the worst of the worst roller coaster of emotions and i just needed to get out of my house if i really want to focus on school. And i only got the idea earlier this week where exams was already one week away.

Anyways, i'm glad to say that despite not getting what i really wanted on Friday, i got what i really actually needed when the opposite of what i wanted happened. I couldn't thank Him enough. Fridays are blissful and next Friday is my birthday. Ahah.

Hams

Saddest word of the day today: Cerai. 

When I grow up, I just want to be a stay-at-home mum. Have you heard of that before?

Lately I've been thinking of where I really really want to head to. I have gone through PSLE and did well for it, gone through 'O' level and did well for it too surprisingly and gone through 'A' level. Though I miserably didn't do well for my 'A' levels except for a subject or two, I managed to get into a university! Even though it's not a local uni,  it's still something. (It's University of London! That's spectacular!) In about 2 years from now, I will get to know what class of degree I got and as expected from the society, I will be paving my way up the corporate ladder and earn big bucks. Not just as expected from the society, but as what I thought it would be when i applied for my course. I thought you know, I thought.

Call me crazy but I just want to stay at home when I have kids one day. But then again, that's provided if my husband is earning enough. So provided that he earns enough, I want I want I want to be a stay-at-home mum. I don't know if this is somehow related to my past experience aka childhood or not, but I want to raise good kids who are other than the normal obedient, well-behaved, not naughty characteristics parents would normally want of their children, I want my kids to be family-oriented, good time managers and be useful to the society. In other words, I just want a happy family. I want to sit down and have dinner together, listen to each other, able to talk things out with each other without throwing fireballs like how I'm used to - throwing fireballs. I want to be everything that my family is not now.  And that doesn't mean I don't appreciate my family now, it's just that some things, we can't do together. Lol. Every family has their own ups and downs and I'm learning to cope with that without putting them aside.

The point is just that I want to create my own happy family. I want to create that feeling of togetherness and I want each of us in the family to know that we can highly rely on each other when we have problems and not to resort to outside sources when faced with a problem. So going back to my degree and having a job, and especially if I become an accountant with the accounting degree that I have, how much time and effort can I put in family building? Once my father told me that doesn't mean I have a degree I will get a job related to that degree and in this case, I'm telling you that I don't want to do anything with my degree! Ok correction. I will be doing something with my degree for as long as I'm single and not married. Some will argue that I will have time for family building even if I work. But that's only if I have a maid right? Guess what? I want to cook for my family. Maybe I just really really want to be a full-time mum when the time comes and of course with the right man who understands.

So anyways, the new academic term has started this week. School will officially start for me tomorrow.  It's Wednesday today guys. Haha. 2-days school week. I will only be in school on Thursdays and Fridays. Despite my stay-at-home mum thoughts, let's make it a good term again yeah! Fyi, I passed all my 5 modules for the previous term. 4 of it scoring 50 and above and only 1 module a bit tercorot but still a pass. Almost teared up when I saw my results haha. Good job to me. Here's to another term in school, CHEERS!

Hams

Everything happens for a reason, all things happen for a reason. And sometimes we don't expect the things we ask for to be fulfilled that fast. Four years four years four years.

You know, I can't blog with music in my ears. My thought flows get distracted. Anyways, about slightly more than 2 months has passed since the exams. I have mixed feelings. I feel so eager to begin the new academic year yet I feel so scared looking at the weightage of my remaining modules. And of course, I feel anxious for my results.  Well, just hoping for the best.

Honestly, I am disappointed that I didn't performed well for my first year and I regretted that I got off track whatever the reasons may be. The blessing about this off track is I was given the chance to amend two of my heavier or may I say heaviest modules for first year. To make it right and having the chance to strengthen this two important foundations that I've never had any learnings in secondary school or JC even. I hope it turns out very well, I really hope they do.

Well besides my academic wellness, I feel better for the holidays this time round.  I didn't waste my time waiting for things to happen and just let it be. And that is exactly when things happen and I got what I want though now it's quite in a hanging-on-a-cliff kind of situation. Lol. I feel thankful for everything and I just took everything as it is. Sometimes we need to see how bad another situation could be to be greatful and appreciative of what we have and where we are in life right now.

I have to make decisions in the coming months ahead. I hope that whatever I dread will not become a reality because if it does, the decisions I will be making will be tougher. Tougher in a way that I can't see where it is heading, what will the ending be like and what will happen when that period of time comes.

Lately too, my heart has felt so sayu, sad like I'm longing for something. Hmm. Anyway, I have to go. Goodnight.

Hams

Hi, perhaps I've left you for too long but the good news is, exams are over. If there's anything that's much better than everything is that big relief or long-awaited big blow of breath that you're dying to let out for 8 months being released not because you finally get the exams done and over with, but because all that effort you've put in for the past 8 months are finally paid off that you don't even have to worry about poor results. But then again, touch wood,  anything could happen maybe due to a slight glitch, but I definitely do not want the other side of 'anything' to happen. 

All in all, I feel I've given it my best shot. All I can do is hope for the best. While some of my friends are still in the exam period, I give them my best wishes. 

Note to self:
Susah senang, masing-masing ada tersendiri. Senang bagi dirimu, mungkin susah bagi seseorang yang lain. Susah bagi dirimu, mungkin senang bagi yang lain. Yang penting, usaha dan jangan bangga diri.

Hams

I'm always fighting. As we all know. Or at least as I'd known all along. Fighting fighting fighting, fighting with myself. Quite a pile had happened ever since I left you exactly 2 months ago. One of it being HAPPY NEW YEAR! That's including the Lunar New Year. Lol.

Anyway, I feel really disappointed at times. Over things that doesn't concern me. And over and over again, I had to remind myself not to make their problem be my problem, not to let their attitude take a toll on myself and just stay true to what I really want. But it's hard if you're stuck in the same situation almost everyday. On days that I feel really foul, I get really foul even with my language. Today's a good day then I guess. I have to come to terms with myself. Exams are coming I have to focus. Even if it's prelims and it's optional, I'm gonna try.

Sometimes we can't see some people everyday. And that sucks. And by this, I mean both in a positive and negative way. Negative being this people is not letting you grow, not letting you become a better person in each passing day and positive being you miss this people too much but each of us have too much on our schedule to find time to meet. But then again, if someone really loves you, they won't look at their schedule when you need them right? But that's just a quote. We HAVE to look at our schedule. Haha.

To be frank, my momentum is not here today. I meant to really reflect on my anger and my disappointment and all the fights with myself. But it's always good not to say something that is not nice. So, yeah second year syllabus is ending next week. Prelim exams and after that revision classes by the local lecturers as well as the London lecturers. Come September it's final year God willing. And then it's a career! And then kahwin?! Kahwin=married. Ehem. Right that's all for today thugs.

Hams

Hi. I'm an ancient enthusiast. Why? Because blogging is sort of ancient. Why? Because looking at the frequency of me blogging, it seems like this is of no interest to me anymore.

But that's false. I'd love to write something. It's just a matter of time and substance.

You know when you want to be better and there will always be obstacles along the way? Somehow this question makes me feel better. I was about to rant on some things that annoy me and then i realise that it annoys me because i want to get better. And this annoying thing(s) are blocking my way.

Sometimes i hate the thoughts filling up my head. Of course i have a stand and a common sense there, but sometimes i'm afraid i might go overboard in my thoughts. Like thinking that this person hasn't gone through all this so what does he/she knows? I'm just scared i will be besar kepala.

Maybe i hate that i don't have someone as eager as me to achieve the same goal. I'm not settling for anything less than best. And the other just wants to get by.

I'm not a big fan of waiting also. And i hate whiny people and people who start the day with a sigh. But who knows? I might have those traits too. I feel disappointed that's all.

Can we just dance? And forget the world

Maybe i'm the kind of person who people see as someone they can break their promises with easily because i don't complain. That much. But i'm mad, disappointed, frustrated. It's all pent-up. And pent-up things are no no good.

Everyday i hope to be a better person. I hope to have plenty of patience. And i hope to be the best that i can be. And i hope no one reads this. Lol.

From yours truly
who's in a paragraph-y mood
ILY.

Hey! It's July. I thought i missed a few months. Lol. I know no one reads this blog but it's okay.

I've been fighting with myself lately. And as much as i try to tell myself that i'm not in any way deeply affected  by my performance at the 'there' last week, I think about it quite a lot actually. I'm very disappointed with myself of course because i didn't put my best even though i knew that even if i get it, i won't like it. I feel like a total bum, a total gundu. I've wasted 2.5 months in search of something 'better'. And I'm a bit phobic right now. Wanted to try the other thing but MY, my self-esteem is so low.

I'm just tired. Tired of chasing, tired of being angry. Two years already and you still can't afford to - I shall not pick up my anger. Don't take my soft-heartedness for granted. You need it and so do i. And i never got around to asking. Because my fed-upness overrules that i don't even wanna talk to you. You always disappoint people and you never fail at it. We all come to a conclusion that you treat us like wimps. You picked us because we can do nothing, because you are overpowering. That disgust me.

It's been sucky this all. Moods are swinging out high into the air. May Allah give me and all of us the patience to overcome all the obstacles in life. And give us the strength and confidence that we can do anything that is favourable to Him.

Hams

I'm a bit tired but I'm gonna spare some time for this.

Sometimes we all need a little scolding to do things well, to maximise our capability. Ever had your day ruined, your emotions all messed up just because of a small reprimand?

Today was one of those days. Had to admit that I was always wondering what was I doing. Doing it right, or not. How come everything's picture perfect yet there's many things to decipher from that?

A smile so wide yet a crushing heart. I wonder how others do it. The strength within. It's really not easy after all. Reading all those quotes about smiling but deep down inside it's hurt and sorts.. Nothing beats experiencing it yourself. Putting up a strong front when you just want to crumble and fall.. All the blood sucked out of the heart leaving your heart shrink dry. And you want to just let those tears fall but that "Great Wall of China" can't be broken down. No one is allowed inside its vulnerable self.

And then there's this one person who almost everyday post positive vibes on a social network regardless if it's a good or a bad day. Seeking the positive light out of every dark day. That's even stronger than lamenting after putting up the strong front.

I'm weak. My heart is too vulnerable. But if you focus too much on your weakness, you will never be successful. Focus on the strength! That way can achieve more! But it's always easier said than done! Easier read and understood but always harder to get it done!

And then maybe, we just need a new environment.

Hams.

So I'm in the midst of exams. Confident? Well not really. I feel like I haven't done enough to help myself and to leave everything to Him, I thought it's not fair.

Since the beginning, I promised myself to do well, to not let the JC experience repeat again. But it seems that I've thrown myself into it again. I feel devastated, disappointed with myself. Maybe it started with the subject I hate, halfway through realising that I'm pretty much screwed that nothing went into my head for this subject. So I became unmotivated. And everything sort of followed suit. And fun was beckoning me to come over. Movies, games and movies again..

I can't seem to get myself rooted to the ground. 2 weeks before prelims and I was still working, craving for money. 2 weeks before the big exams and though I was not working, I was pretty much feeling restless and still wanna have some fun. No panic.

Then come the exams. There's this one subject I mugged hard because it's the toughest subject. Even an A grader can get a wimpy 70. What about me? I did all I can. And I can't finish the paper too btw. The second paper I didn't study as hard. Spent quite a lot of time on it too since I alternate this 2 subjects for a week. I didn't study as hard as in 1 day before the paper.

On the 8th n 9th, that should be the next 2 days, God knows what would happen to me.

I keep askin myself 'What if I fail, what if I fail, what if I fail?'. I spent so much on this. Money and effort. If i let this go, I won't wanna come begging again. But what would happen to me? Just surviving around with a very bad 'A' level cert??

I feel sad, devastated!! I just don't know what to do. I want this yet there's this small thing that's telling me it's gonna be temporary!

I'm just mad at myself for not trying extra harder, for succumbing to leisure and entertainment, for being a fuxking BUM!

Hams

I don't feel like eating. My appetite has gone down to the drain. And maybe my netbook is a bit too far away. *shift it nearer* LOL.

I was reading my previous posts as per usual.. Seeking for posts that might be undesirable for view as of recent dates.. The ones in 2008 and before I don't really care la.. I'm just so immature. What matters is now cuz it's the Internet! There I go talking rubbish again.

Anyways, Happy 2012! Haha. How has the year been? Loads of procrastination crisis. AND a lot of thinking. Decision making y'know. I'm here but I want to be there. I'm here but I don't think this is what I should do anymore. Serious. Do you think you know what I'm talking about? I hope you don't.

Anyway, about reading my blog. I thought it's a good read. Heheh! I love my language and my manners now and my etiquette online. Not like the screwed teen anymore with disastrous tantrums. I just feel like wow this person is so peaceful. As in controlled. I was controlling myself so it doesn't make sense if it's not controlled. Whatever the hell am I talking.

Did I tell you I got a new job? Yes I got a new job. The one on an island. You know what? I might be eating breakfast tomorrow so I need to tuck in. And I didn't study today too. *kick butt* *slap face* *cubit pipi*

Will talk to you more properly another time. I'm so sorry but goodbye.

HaMie!

Everyone's reflecting on 2011. On Facebook. So i thought i want to do so also though i doubt the life-changing reflection everyone expects.

If only my motivation to study is as strong as my motivation to oust the existing mayor in Foursquare. Struggling much? Well maybe you can say so.

Hey. It's been a while since I blogged. And I only got to blog now because I'm testing out this new blogger app that I just bought free in the App Store. It's cool like what the reviewers said. Quite satisfactory for a new app. Cause usually for a new app to become good, they usually take about a lot of reviews after reviews after reviews and updates updates updates THEN they become good. I can view my blog within this app too. :D

Anyways, school has been 3 weeks. This week is the 4th week. I'm still having troubles making friends. Everybody else seems to have their own friends. Do I look that scary or intimidating? Why are people not talking to each other? WHY am I not talking to people?! Knn myself.

Apart from that, the courses are okay. I love my subjects and one tip is you really need to be consistent and constant to survive. Like always revise after the lecture. That's very important. Though how much you think you understand, just go through it the second time to let it sink it. I've been neglecting Maths 1 a bit but yesterday, I told myself I have to work on it. And so I opened my Maths file and revised. Anyways, I had some company for Maths lecture yesterday and coincidentally it's one of my worst topics taught in the lecture yesterday. Trigonometry. With a higher attention level and some company to help through 'stuck' parts, it's way easier to go through a class instead of being alone. Being alone is depressing. Very depressing.

Ok that's all for today. I shall do some econs and revise banking and finance for the test on Saturday. So fast test already.

HaMie!

Sometimes you wonder whether you had done things right. In fact, i wonder a lot whether i had done a lot of things right or not. Or was i being such a big bossy woman? Was i doing the right things in spite of my bossiness? Was my bossiness for a good cause? So many questions pop in my head.

Sometimes and sometimes most of the time i feel proud to see and know how far i've come to in my life. All because of a job. Money. People might see me as a money face or money-minded. Well yes money means everything to me and money makes my world go round. Imagine la without money, i doubt anyone of us in this age can survive. And also the cyber world. But that's not my point today.

Well i thought i had posted twice this year, but apparently not. Heh. I've been on the com - I mean netbook since 4pm just now AND i had also been syncing my iPod since then. It's a long, frustrating story.

Had been intending to update. But never did. Was so-called waiting for the right time where the feeling is really there to blog. You know, cause i always blogged crap. Haha. My spellings are a bit off tonight. But the pronunciation should be okay. Haha paham-paham je la korang! Whether = where the. Something like that. But i'll read and edit before posting so everything should be alright.